I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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