My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
