you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
