i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
