the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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