She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
