this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.