I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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