I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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