I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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