U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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