This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
