She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
