Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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