Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
