I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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