is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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