Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
