Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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