just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
