The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
ok first of all what the fuck
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
