I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
