how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
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Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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