The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
