I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this will be a night to untag.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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