is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
