you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
