THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
