Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
