You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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