i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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