I'm so fucking centered right now
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
