dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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