I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
