you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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