There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
