last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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