I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
