forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
