Kiss
Puke
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
