I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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