my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
