Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i barfeds in our rink
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
