Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
