You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
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I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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