I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
