I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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