how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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