I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
