toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
