You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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