I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
