I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
