The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
