What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
