He disabled his match.com account in front of me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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