I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
