Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
