You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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